I thought I might have some big idea for “the one year,” but it was October, and then it was November, and then it was December, and now it’s here and I don’t have anything.

I mean, I guess I do have a few things, they’re just not what I thought they’d be. I have a somehow-still-beating heart that can feel him in the soft December snowflakes, and in a cozy snuggle with Sage. Or ears that can hear him in the rustle of fall leaves on trees, and in his dad’s crazy laugh. Or eyes that see him in every winter sunset, and in the tiny glow of a candle. I have under-eye circles that are darker and puffier, shoulders that feel heavier, and a soul that feels literally 100 years old. But that’s okay. I am a better person because of these scars. Moms carry the weight of love like that.

So no, I don’t really have a big special plan for today, his birthday. I only have a deep bank of love for him that won’t ever run out, and actually, that’s probably enough. That’s a big enough thing. That’s the only big thing there is.

Happy 1st Birthday to my baby in heaven.

Me and your dad and Sagey – we love you so much.

I’m just so proud to be your mama. I wouldn’t have wanted any other baby but you.

PS. I shared some of your cake with RoonToons. She’s into it.

To all of our beautiful blog readers, friends in real life, friends on the internet: Thank you for loving us through this brutal year. And thank you for loving our precious son, an irreplaceable person of unsurpassable worth, Afton Bjork Ostrom.

If you would like to help us celebrate Afton, we would love it if you would light a candle for our sweet boy on his birthday. ♡

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